GIFT  OF 


Tfc.     , 

"PassincL 

ct     O 


Elephant 


\\ 


FROM*  Aft 'OfL  Fo-RT^AitT'  BY   V" .  J    ^icGLo.-;ic€Y 


THE  PASSING 


OF  THE 


PINK  ELEPHANT 


A  Text  Book  of  Psychopathic  Zoology 


BY 

FRANK  VINCENT  WADDY 


ILLUSTRATIONS  BY  HARRISON  HENRICH 


Published  by 

F.  V.  WADDY 

750  West  Fourth  Street 

Los  Angeles,  Cal. 


i 


Copyright,  1919 
By  Frank  Vincent  Waddy 


The  Passing  of  the  Pink 
Elephant 


745667 


CONTENTS 


Preface   Page    9 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Pfumpfst Page  1 1 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Plupfsquylm Page  13 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Quopff   Page  15 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Zropboogle Page  1 7 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Snyphkorque    Page  19 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Poozletwym   Page  21 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Zquylphright   Page  23 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Gazoophlum Page  25 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Sprosque  Page  27 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Wobblskapff    Page  29 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Sprungleboo  Page  31 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Ypx    Page  33 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Zyzzlephorq Page  35 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Ujyxph Page  37 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Skwumph   Page  39 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Fnylp   Page  41 

Descriptive  notes  on  The  Tschypfsk Page  43 


PREFACE 

THIS  little  book  is  offered  at  a  critical  moment  of  our 
social  history. 

The  United  States  have  gone  dry. 

The  well  of  booze  has  ceased  to  flow. 

No  more  will  the  hilarious  drinker  laugh  at  pointless  jokes, 
slap  his  friend  on  the  back  in  jovial  cruelty,  go  to  sleep  under 
the  dinner  table,  or  say  for  the  eleventh  time  on  the  same  eve- 
ning, "all  right,  old  chap,  just  one  more, — thanks." 

And  with  the  passing  of  the  saloon,  the  wine-cellar  and  the 
stew-party,  the  wonderful  phenomena  of  alcoholic  phantasy  will 
shortly  fade  forever  from  human  imagination. 

And  so  we  gently  take  our  leave  of  the  Pink  Elephant,  the 
Flying  Lobster,  and  the  Square  Snake.  Never  again  will  they 
cause  us  to  bury  our  heads  in  the  pillow  with  a  groan  of  horror. 
But — lest  they  be  forever  forgotten — here,  in  this  Guide  to 
Delirium  Tremens, — a  compendium  of  non-existent  creatures, 
— the  fantastic  figments  of  the  gin-soaked  brain  are  fixed,  crys- 
tallized, enshrined  in  art,  before  they  vanish  to  be  seen  no  more. 

It  is,  of  course,  impossible  in  this  limited  space,  to  deal 
fully  with  this  unique  branch  of  natural  history,  and  the  17 
organisms  depicted  are  merely  a  representative  selection.  Prob- 
ably the  reader  could  supply  far  better  ones  from  his  own  ex- 
perience. 

In  the  phantasmagoria  of  alcoholic  nightmare  the  number 
of  wonderful  animals,  reptiles,  insects  and  other  creatures  ob- 
served singly  or  in  ingenious  combination,  must  be  infinite. 
Possibly  new  ones  will  be  evolved  in  the  forthcoming  days  of 
substitutes, — of  hopless  beer,  grapeless  wine,  "cooking"  sherry, 
and  home-made  whiskey.  Perhaps  they  will  be  even  more  enter- 
taining than  those  engendered  by  the  old-time  drinks.  Time 
will  tell. 


The  PfumprsT 


10 


THE  PFUMPFST 

OR 
PINK  ELEPHANT 

(Elephas  Crocodilus  Horribilis) 


THIS  beautiful  creature  is  seen  only  on  rare 
occasions,  its  production  being  a  matter  of  great 
difficulty  on  less  than  27  drinks  of  Vermuth. 
Dubonnet,  Old  Bushmills  Whiskey  and  Angostura 
Bitters, — liberally  mixed. 

It  has  the  body  of  an  elephant,  which  is  of 
a  sunset  pink  color,  and  the  head  of  a  crocodile. 
It  often  floats  in  the  air  above  the  dreamer,  and  is 
always  just  about  to  fall  and  crush  him, — "jam, 
jam  lapsura,  imminet,"  as  Virgil  says,  but  it  never 
does  fall. 

It  weighs  about  13  tons,  all  of  which  ponderous 
bulk  can  be  felt  in  anticipation  by  the  victim,  as 
it  eternally  threatens  to  drop  and  squash  him.  The 
sensation  is  most  oppressive. 

This  creature  lays  foundation  stones,  as  a 
crocodile  lays  eggs.  No  sooner  has  it  laid  one  than 
it  solemnly  dedicates  it  with  a  bottle  of  wine.  The 
ceremony  is  very  inspiring. 

The  name  is  onomatopoeic,  being  formed  from 
the  sound  made  by  the  creature  when  it  sits  down. 


11 


Tfce. 


12 


THE  PLUPFSQUYLM 

OR 

TABASCO  SALAMANDER 

(Hotstuffo  Mexicano) 


PRODUCED  by  indulgence  in  pulque,  mescal, 
enchiladas,  senoritas,  prickly  pears,  chili  peppers; 
capsicum,  ginger,  English  mustard,  onions,  rad- 
ishes, and  Yradier's  music. 

Accompanied  by  a  pronounced  and  prolonged 
burning  sensation  in  the  alimentary  canal. 

Can  be  induced  at  the  Buzzard  Saloon  and 
Dance  Hall,  Mexicali,  and  almost  anywhere  south 
of  the  border. 

It  is  a  descendant  of  the  mythical  salamander, 
reputed  to  be  able  to  live  in  fire.  Its  favorite  diet 
is  red-hot  fish  hooks  and  lighted  cigars.  It  lays 
hard-boiled  eggs,  and  its  chief  delight  is  to  be 
stewed  in  sulphuric  acid,  or  gently  roasted  over  a 
slow  fire. 

It  is  also  fond  of  carpet  tacks,  which  it  swallows 
in  large  quantities, — presumably  with  a  view  to 
building  up  an  iron  constitution. 


13 


Tfie 


14 


THE  QUOPFF 

OR 
KANGAROOSTER 

(Blastodermus  Cacophonus) 


CONTRIBUTED  by  Hiram  Scroggins,  of  Bug- 
juiceville,  Ark.,  who  says  he  invariably  sees  it  after 
a  debauch  on  hard  cider.  The  matutinal  rooster 
of  his  early  days  on  the  farm, — bird  of  ill  omen, 
disturbing  his  slumbers  with  its  strident  summons, 
—has  been  permanently  embodied  in  this  interest- 
ing combination. 

The  quopfT  sits  heavily  on  the  stomach  of  the 
victim,  punches  his  face  with  its  front  paws  (upon 
which  it  obligingly  wears  boxing  gloves),  flaps  its 
wings,  and  crows  loudly  for  him  to  get  up, — which 
is  quite  impossible. 

It  is  also  familiar  to  Australian  aviators. 


15 


The  Zi'op  boodle 


16 


THE  ZROPBOOGLE 

OR 

BLUE  FLYING  LOBSTER 

(Homarus  Ceruleus  Avians) 


ANOTHER  rare  specimen.  Seldom  seen  below 
the  level  of  the  picture  moulding,  close  to  which 
it  circles  the  room  incessantly,  leaving  a  faint  cloud 
of  vapor  trailing  behind  it. 

Requires  from  7  to  10  years  of  diligent  rot-gut 
culture  to  rear  it. 

Sometimes  seen  by  D.  T.  patients  at  County 
Hospitals.  Has  also  been  reported  by  persons 
emerging  from  an  ether-jag  on  an  operating  table. 


17 


18 


THE  SNYPHKORQUE 

OR 
GREEN  MONKEY 

(Pith ecus  Virens  Terrificus) 


HAS  a  pointed  tail  with  a  poisonous  barb,  like 
a  stingaree.  Inhabits  the  area  above  the  head  of 
the  sleeper,  and  pelts  him  with  spiked  cocoanuts. 

Sometimes,  during  the  day,  it  will  sit  on  one's 
left  arm,  but  if  the  subject  turn  to  look  at  it,  the 
snyphkorque  instantly  vanishes  behind  the  shoul- 
der, returning  a  moment  later  and  resuming  its  seat 
on  the  arm.  It  is  impossible  to  get  a  direct  view 
of  it,  the  creature  always  keeping  a  little  to  the  left 
of  the  line  of  vision. 

It  jabbers  incessantly,  the  conversation  consist- 
ing of  one's  own  weak  jokes,  told  when  drunk,  and 
being  about  as  edifying  as  the  kind  heard  at  sewing- 
meetings. 

The  snyphkorque  is  strongly  reminiscent  of  a 
tour  in  the  forests  of  the  Amazon,  and  of  the  ball- 
istic skill  of  the  simian  acrobats  encountered  there. 

It  is  also  familiar  to  bartenders,  liquor  sales- 
men, and  drink  mixers.  It  is  of  a  bottle  green  color, 
and  can  be  produced  by  an  orgy  of  green-opal  and 
Chartreuse. 


The    PooxfeTwyrx* 


THE  POOZLETWYM 

OR 

GIDDY  GARDEN  GOAT 

(Capricornus  Hortensis  Vertigans) 


HAS  the  body  of  a  panther,  but  the  head  of  a 
goat. 

It  incessantly  kicks  its  back  legs,  as  if  they  were 
caught  in  a  barbed  wire  fence. 

Some  of  the  modern  dance  steps  are  said  to 
have  been  suggested  by  the  antics  of  the  poozle- 
twym. 

It  has  a  hilarious  expression  on  its  face,  and 
is  most  frequently  seen  after  initiation  night  at 
fraternal  lodges. 

Most  favorable  time  for  observing  it:  when 
the  sun  is  in  Leo  or  Capricorn. 

Fairly  common  in  farming  districts  near  the 
Rocky  Mountains. 


THE  ZQUYLPHRIGHT 

OR 
LOGARITHMORPHIEND 

(Hyperaesthesius  Mathematicus) 


THIS  complex  organism  is  known  only  to  col- 
lege professors,  astronomers,  university  students 
towards  the  en5  of  the  term,  and  to  neurasthenic 
poets  and  cubist  painters  after  Italian  wine  and 
coarse  dinners  in  hobohemia. 

Specimens  have  been  seen  at  Oxford,  Soho 
Square,  Montmartre,  Princeton  and  Greenwich 
Village. 

It  is  an  aristocratic,  highbrow  creature,  said 
to  have  been  first  captured  and  preserved  by  Ike 
Newton.  Other  fine  specimens  observed  by  Lord 
Byron,  Omar  Khayyam,  Copernicus,  Metschnikoff 
and  Pasteur. 

Can  be  conjured  up  for  ordinary  people  by  an 
exclusive  use  of  Yellow  Chartreuse,  Lachrymae 
Christi,  Champagne  Cocktails,  Absinthe,  Caviare, 
Truffles,  Lampreys,  Ravell's  music  and  Bergson's 
philosophy. 

The  peculiar  attitude  in  which  it  sits  or  stands 
has  evidently  been  acquired  by  years  of  studious 
application  at  a  desk,  the  head  having  sunk  until 
it  reached  the  floor,  when  it  passed  between  the 
feet  of  the  student  and  came  up  behind,  since  when 
it  has  used  itself  as  a  table. 


23 


24 


THE  GAZOOPHLUM 

OR 

RUM  HOUND 

(Cants  Puppius  Preposterus) 


CONTRIBUTED  by  the  secretary  of  the  Bronx 
Kennel  Club, — a  devotee  to  the  same  brand  of 
cocktail. 

Often  induced  by  a  surfeit  of  hot  dogs  at 
Coney  Island. 

Men  milliners  complain  of  its  invasion  of  the 
dry  goods  stores  (on  the  morning  after),  where 
it  insistently  demands  muzzlin'. 

To  produce  a  really  fine  gazoophlum,  the 
throat  must  be  as  dry  as  Sahara,  the  mouth  like  a 
blotting  pad,  the  eyes  full  of  sand,  and  the  head 
buzzing  like  an  egg-beater. 


The 


26 


THE  SPROSQUE 

OR 

DOG-FACED  COCKATOO 

(Hiccupus  Emphaticus) 

IT  barks,  screams,  hiccoughs,  and  repeats  one's 
own  needless  oaths  incessantly. 

It  sits  upon  the  observer's  chest,  and  jerks  his 
diaphragm  to  and  fro  with  pincers  held  in  its  jaws, 
using  the  feet  for  leverage. 

It  is  allied  to  the  owl,  clock  cuckoo,  two-can, 
Red  Raven,  and  lyre  bird,  which  latter  accounts 
for  its  popularity  with  lawyers  and  politicians. 

It  is  also  cognate  with  the  oof-bird,  and  has 
therefore  been  studied  minutely  by  pawnbrokers 
and  municipal  officers. 

Among  its  ancestors  there  are  doubtless  a  few 
old  hens  and  a  cock-or-two. 


27 


THE  SPRUNGLEBOO 

OR 

WINGED  DINOSAUR 

(Dtnosaurus  Pterodactylus) 


A  PREHISTORIC  jag  souvenir. 

Contributed  by  the  curator  of  the  Museum  of 
Natural  History. 

It  has  six  legs,  two  tails,  the  head  of  a  sea-horse 
(enlarged  750,000  diameters),  wide  handle  bars 
like  Highland  cattle,  is  spotted  like  a  leopard, 
and  has  the  poetic  expression  of  a  water  puppy. 

It  is  always  trying  to  walk  through  itself,  the 
back  and  middle  legs  making  a  vain  effort  to  catch 
up  with  the  front  ones.  The  medial  pair  have 
evidently  been  evolved  to  prevent  abdominal 
sagging. 

Specimens  found  depicted  in  the  ruins  of 
Thebes,  Babylon,  Sarnac  and  Yucatan.  Claimed 
to  have  been  seen  frequently  by  Cleopatra,  Nero, 
Nebuchadnezzar,  and  Ananias. 

Its  webbed  fins  or  wings  are  geared  so  high 
that  the  sprungleboo  can  hover  or  float  in  the  air 
for  hours  at  a  time,  by  keeping  them  vibrating 
rapidly,  like  a  humming  bird. 

The  two  tails  are  sometimes  seen  tied  in  a  neat 
bow,  as  if  the  creature  were  trying  to  tidy  itself  up. 


30 


THE  WOBBLSKAPFF 

OR 

SQUARE  SNAKE 
(Anguis  Rectangularius  Rheumaticus) 


THIS  fascinating  organism  flourishes  in  the 
tropics,  the  natural  habitat  of  reptiles. 

It  marks  a  transitional  step  in  evolution  from 
fish  to  saurian,  the  rudimentary  flappers  showing 
unmistakable  evidence  of  marine  ancestry. 

It  belongs  to  the  same  stratum,  deliriously 
speaking,  as  our  friend  the  zropboogle,  and  pre- 
fers to  keep  on  the  level  of  the  picture  moulding. 

According  to  Robert  Burns,  there  is  a  tartan 
variety  of  wobblskapff  (chameleonora  polychro- 
matica),  resulting  from  life-long  devotion  to 
Scotch  Whiskey,  whose  skin  is  variegated  with 
assorted  samples  of  Highland  plaid. 


31 


THE  YPX 

OR 
CANCER  COOTIE 

(Hypometascorbutus  Furiosus) 


THE  doughboy's  nightmare. 

Commonest  heretofore  in  Maine  and  Kansas. 

Produced  by  indulgence  in  grape  juice,  eau- 
de-Cologne,  raspberry  wine,  near  beer,  approxi- 
mate whiskey,  synthetic  brandy,  and  hypothetic 
meals. 

Aggravated  by  attending  temperance  lectures 
and  returning  later  to  the  comforts  of  a  long 
counter  and  a  foot-rail. 

It  often  appears  in  shadowy  silhouette  among 
the  bottles  on  the  shelves  behind  the  bar,  where  it 
stands,  reeling  unsteadily,  with  a  flask  in  one  paw, 
a  manuscript  in  another,  and  scratching  itself  with 
a  third, — while  it  insists  on  delivering  a  temper- 
ance lecture  to  which  no  one  listens. 

From  the  flask,  it  would  appear  that  the  ypx 
believes  in  being  full  of  its  subject. 


33 


34 


THE  ZYZZLEPHORQ 

OR 

MOTORCYCLE  SPIDER 

(Polymorpharachne  Lamellibranchia) 


FAMILIAR  to  journalists  and  newspaper  pro- 
prietors suffering  from  poor  circulation, — rapid 
motorcycle  delivery  being  the  best  remedy  for  this 
distressing  condition. 

Also  known  to  students  of  entomology,  street 
car  drivers,  and  nervous  pedestrians. 

It  looks  like  a  tarantula,  with  a  bear's  legs.  The 
eyes  stick  out  about  ten  inches  from  the  head,  on 
the  ends  of  long  spikes,  like  the  feelers  of  a  snail, 
and  are  fitted  with  a  universal  joint,  so  that  they 
can  be  switched  in  any  direction,  like  a  search- 
light. 

Well  known  to  Texas  cowboys,  suffering  from 
tfM/o-intoxication,  and  to  western  miners  looking 
for  quarts. 


35 


TbeUjyXPH 


36 


THE  UJYXPH 

OR 
SPIRAL  CAT 


(Fells  Tortuus  Vermiformis  Gyroscobulus) 

EVIDENTLY  of  English  origin,  being  reminis- 
cent of  the  sky-blue  china  pussies  seen  on  lodging- 
house  mantelpieces  in  that  country. 

The  ujyxph  has  an  interesting  habit  of  staring 
at  you,  irrespective  of  your  distance  or  direction. 
Its  penetrating  gaze  follows  you  regardless  of  the 
number  of  twists  in  its  body  required  to  keep  you 
in  view. 

The  grin  on  its  face  is  permanently  frozen  in 
by  a  patent  process. 

The  corkscrew  curls  are  a  survival  of  the 
provincial-schoolmistress-acidulated-spinster  type 
of  cat  described  by  Charles  Dickens. 

Generally  conspicuous  after  an  orgy  of  your 
maiden  aunt's  elderberry  wine. 

The  elongated  neck  gives  it  an  appearance  of 
imminent  seasickness,  which  is  most  disquieting  to 
look  upon. 

Rare  outside  the  British  Isles. 


38 


THE  SKWUMPH 

OR 
MAMMOTH  FLEA 

(Discombobulus  Sneakaboutus) 


ACCORDING  to  Zoology  the  flea  and  the  elephant 
are  the  two  most  powerful  living  organisms,  in 
proportion  to  their  respective  sizes.  The  skwumph 
ingeniously  combines  the  agility  of  the  one  with 
the  massive  dignity  of  the  other. 

In  the  phantasm  of  a  toxic  sleep,  it  nimbly 
leaps  from  place  to  place  in  the  room,  ever  eluding 
capture,  or  else  it  lands  with  ponderous  impact  on 
the  chest  of  the  dreamer,  thus  illustrating  its  ele- 
phantine qualities. 

It  was  also  familiar  to  knights  in  armor,  dur- 
ing mediaeval  days,  the  records  showing  that  a 
doughty  warrior  would  sometimes  dream  he  had 
a  skwumph  beneath  his  suit  of  mail,  where  it  felt 
as  large  as  an  elephant,  and  could  not  be  scratched. 
If  the  warrior  was  not  stewed  during  the  experi- 
ence, he  always  wished  that  he  were. 


39 


THE  FNYLP 

OR 
JABSQUIRT 

(Xnyphothrompus  Hypodermicus) 


KNOWN  only  to  "coke"  users  or  hop  fiends. 

It  has  the  body  of  a  mosquito,  one  billion  times 
enlarged,  and  carries  a  dope  squirt  in  the  place  of 
the  harpoon  proboscis  employed  so  effectively  by 
that  insect. 

The  squirt  is  about  the  size  of  an  automobile 
tire  pump. 

The  fnylp  hovers  incessantly  in  the  air  above 
the  face  of  the  subject,  ready  at  any  moment  to 
drive  the  venomous  prong  through  the  frontal 
bone  into  the  cranium.  It  maintains  this  condition 
of  suspended  activity  as  long  as  the  patient's  eyes 
remain  closed.  Upon  his  opening  them,  it  vanishes. 
If  an  attempt  be  made  to  cheat  it,  with  one  eye 
open  and  the  other  closed,  the  jabsquirt  moves  its 
point  of  attack  to  the  occipital  bone,  where  it  drills 
a  neat  hole  through  the  skull,  inserts  the  probe  and 
stirs  up  the  brains,  if  any,  with  a  motion  similar 
to  that  employed  in  making  batter  for  hot  cakes. 

Common  at  Sing  Sing,  Matteawan,  Atlanta, 
Joliet,  Fort  Leavenworth  and  San  Quentin. 


41 


Tfce 


42 


THE  TSCHYPFSK 

OR 

RUSSIAN  SNEEZE-HOUND 

(Przquffschnypsius  Vladimitrlus) 


CONTRIBUTED  by  General  Nastykoff,  of  the 
Royal  Polish  Mudguards. 

Usually  follows  upon  an  orgy  of  schnapps, 
kirsch,  pigs'  feet  and  sauerkraut,  Russian  Kummel 
and  vodka,  aggravated  by  the  study  of  Hungarian 
geography,  lectures  on  Czecho-Slovak  politics, 
and  a  tour  through  the  cheese  mines  of  Switzer- 
land. 

It  has  the  body  of  a  turn-spit  dog,  tusks  like 
a  walrus,  and  the  talons  of  a  cat,  but  much  larger. 
With  its  giant  claws  it  climbs  to  the  topmost 
branches  of  the  sauerkraut  trees,  where  specimens 
are  frequently  shot  or  half  shot. 

The  favorite  occupation  of  this  creature  is 
gnawing  its  tail.  The  tail  constantly  diminishes  in 
length,  but  there  is  always  some  left. 

Periodically  the  tschypfsk  clouds  up  for  a 
sneeze,  swelling  like  a  balloon  during  the  process: 
and  regarding  the  landscape  with  horror,  as  it 
feels  the  sneeze  coming  on.  Finally  the  explosion 
comes,  with  a  deafening  report,  and  the  tschypfsk 
bursts  into  a  thousand  fragments,  which  are  re- 
united on  the  ground.  It  then  reascends  the  tree 
and  resumes  the  urgent  duty  of  chewing  its  tail. 


43 


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DUE  AS  STAMPED  BELOW 
OCT  0  5  2006 


DD20   12M   1-05 


745667 


JUNIVERSrn^OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY. 

ft 


